First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
I love you. Go after that dick
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
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