Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Randomize
