Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
