help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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