We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
