the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
40s are totally the cure
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
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