I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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