I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Randomize
