We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
But he was like 75 and lives right near mom and dad. Not a threat at all.
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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