if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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