What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Couch. On fire.
Randomize
