Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
