Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
Randomize
