Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
