He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Randomize