I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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