Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
