literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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