i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Terrible. Enormous nipples with a small ring of boob on the outside. It looked like a tittie eclipse
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Randomize
