mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
I can't put those talents on a resume
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Randomize
