Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
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