I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
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