you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
