Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
