If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
In either case, seeing now as it's basically two couples, unless we're planning to have a good old fashion orgy I think this isn't going to work out so well.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Randomize
