I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
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