who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
I look better un-naked...
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
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