I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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