watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Randomize
