Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
