he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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