my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
Randomize
