Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
