You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Randomize
