she is graduated, working for the school, and puking in the bathroom of a frat house. she wants brush her hair so she doesnt "look trashy". im in love.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
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