All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
Randomize
