I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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