She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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