i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
We left the knife in your bed.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
Randomize
