I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
Randomize
