I'm pants shitting drunk right now
So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
