there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Do you have feelings for this penis?
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
