i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
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