I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
I think I'm cybering, it's been a while and its more in depth than it was in 8Th grade.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize
