so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
