I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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