Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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