at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
