So just talked to them hahah i like that people sat there and watched as you two made out... They said they even had to refill their beers
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
