My room smells like vodka and shame
we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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