Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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