You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
