I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
I wish there were birth control emojis
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
