I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
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