??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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