in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
