OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
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