I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Randomize
