seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Randomize
